10 Things Girls Should Know About Guys

1. We are going to hate everyone who hates you and every guy who likes you too much. Sorry, that’s just the way it is.

2. Jealous is what we are. In the same way a lion acts around another lion. We may not do much around the house but, by God, that dude better not be, either.

3. If we tune you out when you’re talking, it’s not because we have short attention spans–give us “Call Of Duty” or “Monday Night Football” and we’ll prove that–it’s because we aren’t interested in what you’re saying. This is our loss because you are WAY more interesting than we are. But our minds work differently. You feel and we fix. If we can’t fix what you’re saying with a suggestion or action, we drift back to a project, work, or sports.

4. Providing for our families IS how we show love. We are wired to do two things: Provide and kill. Case in point, observe children playing “house”. As soon as the fort is built, the boy says, “Alright, Bye. I’m going to work.” Before he understands work, he picks up sticks and pretends to shoot anything that moves. Sorry soft and sensitive America, it’s hard wired from birth.

5. There’s something to be said for a guy who’s comfortable enough in his own skin to wear pink, carry your purse, listen to your every need; and there is such a thing as being too comfortable. If you want to see a man in touch with his feminine side, rent a porn. You ARE our feminine side. You don’t see us asking you to get in touch with your masculine side, do you? You know why? Because we don’t want to be with another man.

6. Every guy rates every girl on a scale of 1 to 10. If this seems disrespectful, it’s not. One man’s 1 is another man’s 10. We will sleep with 4′s and above, but we marry 10′s. So, if you are married, congratulations! You are some bodies 10. That is why you shouldn’t cheat. Because a girl who cheats is every guy’s 1, including the guy who downgraded you from being someone’s 10. Is this fair? I don’t know. If I did I’d probably understand why you’ll ignore guys who would treat you like a 10 to date guys who use and abuse you like you’re a 1.

7. We don’t compliment your hair because guys don’t notice it. We notice that you look great. If you change your hair and we like it, we notice you look great, but different. We usually aren’t sure why. But that doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the time you take to make yourselves look amazing. It means we don’t notice hair individually. We notice the culmination of all those little nuances put together. We do, however, notice when someone else notices. When you then say things like, “You didn’t even notice, at least he noticed” you forget that the first time a guy sizes you up, he is evaluating you on his own personal scale, checking off the details he approves of and disapproves of. He may have noticed your hair, but he might also walk away without saying a damn word if he knew some of your little quirks that the guy you’re with knows and finds adorable about you.

8. When we say hurtful things in an argument, it is because something hurts in us and we’re lashing out because we don’t know any other way to communicate it. You’ve touched on an insecurity. If you avoid that button in the future, you will avoid the lashing out that comes from pressing it. If you want the button to become less sensitive, nurture it. Make him feel secure about that area of his life. When he feels secure, he’ll naturally improve it, and he won’t feel like he has to protect it.

9. Guys need time with their buddies. Other guys are the best thing imaginable for your relationship. Why? Because other guys allow your guy to be a guy. That leaves him feeling like a guy. That way, when you hand him your purse while pointing out the guy who noticed your hair as he sports his pink shirt with the collar popped and wearing sunglasses inside, you won’t have to watch your guy as he begins to imagine hanging himself in the shower. Instead, he’ll smile without feeling threatened, nod, and think to himself, “That’s right, douche-bag. She’s with me.”

10. Lastly, someone once said it this way. Guys have two emotions: Hungry and horny. If he doesn’t have an erection, make him a sandwich.

When I was much younger, I was waiting in line at a supermarket when someone dropped a can on the floor behind me. Naturally, I turned to look for the source of the sound I’d heard, only to find one of the most beautiful blonds I’d every seen, bending over in a red and white, plaid mini-skirt to pick it up. When I turned back around, an elderly gentleman was staring at me. Immediately, I felt my face burning with embarrassment, expecting a lecture about respecting women. Or worse, what if she was his granddaughter? To my surprise, what he said next I’ll never forget. He put his hand on my shoulder, looked down at me like I was four years old, and said, “Son, no matter how thin she is; no matter how beautiful she looks; no matter how sweet the honey that flows from her mouth; somewhere, some guy, is completely sick of her shit.” Then he signed a check, gave it to the cashier, and I realized that I had just met the Dalai Lama.

Cynical Twist

Hey, FreeCreditScore.com! Your boys went from a broken down car to mansions, painted self-portraits, and country clubs. Good thing that having good credit translates into financial intelligence or they could have over-extended themselves like the rest of America. You know, when we all had good credit. Oh, by the way, checking your credit online doesn’t give you good credit. Over-extending yourself like those singing douche-bags does. In this economy, it won’t be long before they’ll be calling Monte Williams for a payday loan to make their minimums. Unless, of course, having good credit is the same thing as making a CEO’s salary, in which case, enjoy your bailout!

Aside

Commercial Grade Advertisements

Have you ever noticed how poor the quality of advertisements catered to the elderly are? Case in point, the Rascal commercial, that one for Life Alert, AARP Supplemental Medical Insurance, the list goes on and on. It’s like the companies are saying, “We realize there’s a market for this, we’re just not willing to invest a lot of time or money into a dying demographic when the retention rate is so low.” Sorry, but it’s true. They’re offensive. I pay all this money for HDTV and have to suffer through ten minutes of low quality, poorly targeted commercials an hour.

Romantic Comedy

Recently my Fiance’, whom I had been with for the past five years, dumped me. Not only did the initial sting intensify with the settling in of separate lives, but the endless string of payments on a pricey engagement ring are little monthly reminders all screaming, “You giant tool.”

Truth is, I was miserable, too. She wanted me to be someone I’m not (Jake Gyllenhaal I think). And I wanted her to be someone she isn’t (A wife and the mother of my unborn children). I’m still looking for a wife and want children more and more each day. Really, I think I want a reason to wake up everyday that involves more than just me doing “X” (read: work, reading, writing, viewing virus riddled videos filled with poor acting and great lighting, etc). So, in my desperate attempt at uncovering the hidden qualities that make men desirable mates for suitable wives and future mothers I turned to the Dalai Lama of modern romantics, Matthew McConaughey.

Why him? Because he’s been in more of those types of movies than Bradley Cooper. Because, in his worst day, he is everything that men strive to be (to women), and because, if given the opportunity, I would sleep with Matthew McConaughey–just kidding. But all kidding aside, he’s been in plenty of movie depicting the “sail away into the sunset” endings we have all been fed since birth. Problem is–it’s bullsh**!

Okay, in all fairness, I should offer myself for rebuke from the masses (which, btw, is who I hope finds this blog). So, if you have a “sailed into the sunset” type of relationship, now is your chance to rebut me. I’ll be back momentarily.

Okay, looking here while swallowing the last bite of a turkey on rye and–damn. Just as I thought. No rebuts. Why? Because as human beings we are all wired to have flaws and see the flaws in everyone else and everything else. But we are all secretly hopeless romantics who filter our world views through Matthew McConaughey’s eyes. We weigh our realities against the illusion that everything will eventually work out in the end, and you know what–sometimes it does.

So, because this isn’t a therapy session or the sequel to “Eat, Pray, Love” I will make my point and conclude. In addition to being hopeless romantics, we are also a species that believes in fairy tales to the point that we judge reality against a weighted scale of fantasy endings. It sounds sad, but in truth, these stories exemplify that which is at the depth of our cores: The desire to love and to be loved; the need for companionship; to care for someone and be cared for in return. Or, in my case, to not die alone, wallowing in a pool of self loathing, Bourbon soaked depression believing that the only suitable mate was there and I lost her. She was beautiful, funny, thin, shallow, and unwilling to put anyone else (especially children) before her own desires. In short, the wrong one who I still desperately miss.

In the end, it’s time. Time to start fresh and let the painful lessons that life throws our way sink in. It’s time to move on. So, here’s to moving on, and the start of a new adventure. I believe it’s called, “Failure To Launch” or “Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past”. Not sure. ‘Til next time.

Why I Hate Pop Culture

This morning, while enjoying the popular pass-time of internet exploration, I found that the number one trending article on Yahoo was “Beyonce’s Daring Dress”. Now, I hate Beyonce’. Not on a personal level or because she is currently trending above politics and economics and certainly not because her dress is, so called, daring. No, I hate Beyonce’ because, in addition to being responsible for the lyrics: “Boy I’m just playing, come here baby. Hope you still like me, If you hate me. My persuasion can build a nation. Endless power, our love we can devour. You’ll do anything for me” —Beyonce’ epitomizes the same narcissism that  IS pop culture.

But Beyonce’ is not alone. Nicki Minaj, for instance, sang, “It’s my empire, I get what I desire.” Which is what? Money? Fame? The expectation of being featured on celebrity rehab? They have everything they could want; yet, pop culture produces some of the shallowest, most ego centric, narcissistic waste of all of the influences featured in the media today. People who truly believe the world revolves around them and sing and dance about it while the rest of America loses their homes and struggle to find jobs. Everywhere you go; featured in storefronts, record stores, clothing ads, TV commercials and on billboards. Some celebrity spraying themselves down with forty dollar perfume that smells like a used car delivering floral arrangements to a Justin Bieber concert on Valentine’s Day. As if watching J Lo dancing on the hood of a Fiat is going to make that clown car any less impractical. We all know she doesn’t drive a Fiat. She drives (or uses) the newest free thing her agent pimps her out for.  These infamous court jesters are even featured on popular opinion shows for their input into things that actually matter. “Well, he played lawyer in a movie a couple times, let’s see what Matthew McConaughey thinks about the incident at Penn State.”

So what is the point? The point is this: Who cares? Why even try to “keep up” with a couple rich snobs being exploited by their delusional mother? Maybe if people spent that same amount of energy taking an interest in their own lives rather than being glued to whatever pointless argument the Kardashian’s are having, or witnessing the hazards of brain damage as it relates to spray tanning on the Jersey shore, than maybe the rest of the world would have some reason to respect us that doesn’t involve fearing our arsenal of nuclear warheads. And maybe, just maybe, if we focused a little of the time and money we spend trying to model our lives after the income and image of some of the shallowest people on the planet, many of whom are @twitter for your following pleasure, and spent a little of both helping our neighbors and focusing our attention outward, our communities wouldn’t be such depressing, dog-eat-dog places.

Just a thought. Now back to MTV cribs.