Social Media

I’m not even going to wait until paragraph two (or sentence two, for that matter) to reveal the theme of this post: I hate social media! Never before, has a technology existed in the history of the world, more capable of destroying relationships, families, communities, and Governments than the advent of social media today. Rivers of raw, unfiltered sewage streaming into your brain until you believe that nothing beyond your device is of any real consequence, by comparison. Need proof? I offer Donald Trump. He holds the highest position in the United States, yet can’t control his toddler impulses, taking to Twitter like a duck to a sewage disposal facility, every time something upsets him. But this post is not about Donald Trump. This post is about you. And me. And everyone else, it would seem.

Setting aside the fact that I metaphorically vomit in my mouth every time I hear the sentence, “Supreme Court Justice ____ Tweeted____” or “Spokes Person for the Trump Administration ____, Tweeted this morning following the events that____”, So on and so forth. Rather, the focus of this post is far more localized. Far more personalized. I’m talking about the narcissistic soapbox that is Facebook and Twitter. The school yard bullying and the toddler-level flaunting of every enviable thing you possess, in the faces of your peers, that makes up the lion’s share of Instragram. The consequence-free degrading, cheating, and deceit made possible by the disappearing evidence created by Snap Chat, leaving behind only the fresh scent of pine.  Shockingly, the victims of which, are many times amongst those first in line to defend their chosen media outlets.

What does that tell you?

It should tell you that this might be a problem. In much the same way that denial exists for the casual user of Meth, those addicted to social media are slaves to its every notification. What they read becomes the basis by which they live their entire lives. Doing things for one’s own benefit or to spend time with loved ones takes a back seat to Twitter “Followers” (which is all this idiocy creates, by the way) and Facebook “Likes”.

Now, imagine with me, if you would be so kind as to indulge me a little further, that there existed a life. Representing that “life” was a person of average intellect, average looks, with an average body, earning an average income. They drive home to an average house, where picketers are waiting on the lawn belonging to this individual, to tell him, her, undecided or it’s complicated, how he, she, or whatever chosen or not chosen, applied or implied pronoun, measures up in comparison to their average (all things included above, for the sake of brevity) life. Now, imagine that not only does this person care about what each one of those signs say, they personally invited each one of these sign holders to stand on their lawn and even provided them with the information written on those very same signs. Insane?

Kind of, yes.

Still not sure?

Imagine now that, at any time, this individual has the power to, through minimal effort, scatter these critics and no longer read their signs nor supply them with the first party pipe-lined information thereon. If that person, instead, chose to continue inviting more people to their (obviously, larger than average) lawn, and look out the window to read each new sign that showed up, then that person would, yes, seem to be insane.

Insanity, meet everyone; Everyone, insanity.

Like us on Facebook (Insert Thumbs-up emoticon here)

How is it justified? “Oh, I just use it to keep in touch with distant relatives.”


Meanwhile, each employer you work for, application you fill out, person you date etcetera, etcetera, has already data-mined you and formed — not biased, but educated — opinions about you, using information against you that you were stupid enough to have provide the online world with in the first place, and then contradict in your interview, application, or on your first date (if you were not already systematically ruled out by your flabby bikini photo or douche-bag gangsta pose, and were still fortunate enough to have been given a chance at an actual first



But wait, there’s more. Order in the next three minutes and we’ll also data-mine your entire browsing history for cookies we will use to throw custom advertisement of all the products and services you need and want in order to finally satisfy the demands and meet the approval of everyone standing on your lawn holding a sign. Prices slashed; your happiness is a simple “Add To Cart” away.

Great! Now you’re broke and jobless, but Jessie’s bagel has never looked better.


“Like” and “Comment: ‘I used to eat bagels just like the gorgeous specimen you’ve shared here today, but now I take care of my body. Have you heard of this vegan, paleo, keto-self-centric, P90-#@$! diet? Yeah, just crushed week 1. Check out my selfie pose. Enjoy your carbs, Fatty.'” Only, this is Facebook so it’s written in abbreviated illiteracy that wreaks of the third grade education of everyone’s favorite C-average student.

Did I mention that you could, at any point, remove them from your metaphorical lawn without so much as a conversation with a single one of them? Let me tell you something. No one has ever improved their life or intelligence by reading a Facebook or Twitter post. No one has ever died happy after seeing a picture of the stupid, toasted bagel you had for breakfast. Knock it off! Live your lives. You do not need to tell every person what you are doing every second of every meaningless, people-pleasing, approval-seeking day.

“Look what Shanequa posted, she thinks I’m so ratchet.”

(Whatever the #$%! that means)

STOP LOOKING AT IT!!! Shut it off. Delete the damn account. All it’s doing is creating negativity in your life. Not only do you choose to look at it every second you can, you’re paying for it, feeding into it, and, worst of all, responding to it.

They say that in the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king. I say, in the land of social media, the man with the flip-phone is your boss. Why? Because he’s busy building an empire while everyone else is looking up the word ratchet in the Urban Dictionary.

Imagine with me, one last time, an individual (i.e. man, woman, transgender, straight, gay, lesbian, undecided, undefined, a-sexual, a-moral, Christian, Muslim, Mormon, those people who ruin sleep on Saturday mornings…WHOMEVER. I do not care about your pronoun, race, religion, sex and especially, I do not care about your sexuality. In fact, I care about it even less than your #$@%ing bagel!) were to simply OPT-OUT. As in, to Unsubscribe from the insanity that is all of the above. Instead, choosing to focus on (here we go again, can I please just pick one for time’s sake, P.C. Police?) himself or herself, and those whose opinions actually matter in their immediate circles. Pouring that energy into their families and close, meaningful friendships, their jobs, educations, health…in a word, their actual “Life”. Not only would they find they actually have a life. They would discover that the constant feed about everyone else isn’t important, relevant, or necessary to being a happy, well-adjusted, productive member of a society.

Take up swimming, skiing, underwater bomb-diffusion for all I care. I just don’t want to hear about it in the form of a re-Tweet, read aloud to me on CNN tonight.

That is all. I’m going to go take a piss…

(See how annoying that is?)


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